Last year saw thousands of drunken Sydneysiders splashed across frontpages the world over, their collective inebriated retardedness manifested in jingoistic chanting and beachside beatings of innocent young men and women. Yes, the Cronulla riots represented a genuine zenith for the grand old Australian tradition of hitting the piss and acting like a dickhead. The drunken idiot scene looked to be experiencing something of a renaissance, with hordes of angry youngsters coming into a scene desperate for new blood (both figuratively and literally).
But since that terrible December day, many of the up-and-coming drunken idiots of Sydney have been placed in prison – or worse, their mums have grounded them. As a result, the culture of boozing up, screaming at police, taunting people on the streets and throwing half-full bottles of beer at random things has deteriorated rapidly. Many critics are wondering whether this year will be the worst yet for a community already struggling with a variety of problems: cuts to Centrelink payments, increasing education rates and a police crackdown on buffoonery and thuggery – two of the hallmarks of the drunken idiot scene.
And yet, there remain some rogue practioners of this ancient Australian art. Despite decreasing levels of interest from the mainstream, these boozehounding fools still dedicate their Friday and Saturday nights to starting fights and smashing streetlights.
Scott Michaels, 23, a bank clerk from Marrickville, is one of those rogue idiots. Each weekend he can be found at the great pubs of the inner west: the Town Hall Hotel, the Duke in Enmore, the Vic On The Park… or wherever he’s allowed in by unattentive bouncers. ‘The Townie is the toughest to get into,’ he says. ‘Ever since they renovated the place, the bouncers have turned bloody strict. Two weeks ago they wouldn’t let me in ‘cause my eyes were red – just ‘cause I’d smoked a few bloody cones! Fuckwits!’
After being booted from the Town Hall that night, Scott thrilled the crowds of Enmore Rd. as he stumbled home drunk and stoned. He tried to start a fight at the Oporto Chicken carpark, screaming obscenities at some male university students. ‘Why don’t you fuckwits go and get some dogs up ya’?’ was the highlight of the tirade, Scott impressing those listening by instinctively pluralising the classic ‘get a dog up ya’’ lined made famous in David Caesar’s Idiot Box. ‘It just came to me,’ says Scott. ‘I figured there was a few of them there, so I had to say dogs instead of dog. I was just lucky to have worked it out so quickly.’
Later in the evening, Scott was given a warning by local police after he urinated in a council rubbish bin and flashed his testicles to punters outside the Enmore Theatre. (The ‘ball-surprise - as its known in the scene - was first performed by Elmore Glennard in Goulburn in the early 1960s. Glennard had spent some years attempting to invent an amusing use for the zippered fly attached to blue jeans, which were growing in popularity at the time. Glennard also went on to invent the ‘ball-explosion,’ a trick he performed only once due to his immediate death).
Andrew Stewart, 19 and unemployed, is also a proud drunken idiot. ‘I was there at Cronulla,’ he says. ‘You know that footage of that fat cop throwing his stick around at at everyone? I was part of that crowd. I wanted to hit him with a brick… but I couldn’t find one.’ Andrew is considered one of the most proficient drunk, angry young men in the Sutherland Shire. ‘I’m the only cunt who’s ever gotten banned from Sutherland Leagues three times in one night!’
Early February saw him perform what he calls his ‘vom-punch-implosion.’ After drinking fourteen neat bourbons at Mortdale RSL, and biting three female patrons, Andrew was forcibly evicted from the premises. ‘Then I tried to punch the bouncer, but he punched me… and I threw up at the exact moment he punched me.’
So do Scott and Andrew see a future for drunken idiots in Australia? Scott is optimistic: ‘As long as there’re beers on tap, there’ll be trouble. An Australia without drunken fuckwits isn’t an Australia worth living in.’ Andrew has his doubts. ‘I reckon once I get a job I’ll stop drinking as much. Anyway, it seems like a bit of a waste to try anything else after the vom-punch-implosion. But if I can’t get a job… I dunno’, I’ll probably just blame the Muslims and try to start some fights with them.’
(Originally published at Rouser).
But since that terrible December day, many of the up-and-coming drunken idiots of Sydney have been placed in prison – or worse, their mums have grounded them. As a result, the culture of boozing up, screaming at police, taunting people on the streets and throwing half-full bottles of beer at random things has deteriorated rapidly. Many critics are wondering whether this year will be the worst yet for a community already struggling with a variety of problems: cuts to Centrelink payments, increasing education rates and a police crackdown on buffoonery and thuggery – two of the hallmarks of the drunken idiot scene.
And yet, there remain some rogue practioners of this ancient Australian art. Despite decreasing levels of interest from the mainstream, these boozehounding fools still dedicate their Friday and Saturday nights to starting fights and smashing streetlights.
Scott Michaels, 23, a bank clerk from Marrickville, is one of those rogue idiots. Each weekend he can be found at the great pubs of the inner west: the Town Hall Hotel, the Duke in Enmore, the Vic On The Park… or wherever he’s allowed in by unattentive bouncers. ‘The Townie is the toughest to get into,’ he says. ‘Ever since they renovated the place, the bouncers have turned bloody strict. Two weeks ago they wouldn’t let me in ‘cause my eyes were red – just ‘cause I’d smoked a few bloody cones! Fuckwits!’
After being booted from the Town Hall that night, Scott thrilled the crowds of Enmore Rd. as he stumbled home drunk and stoned. He tried to start a fight at the Oporto Chicken carpark, screaming obscenities at some male university students. ‘Why don’t you fuckwits go and get some dogs up ya’?’ was the highlight of the tirade, Scott impressing those listening by instinctively pluralising the classic ‘get a dog up ya’’ lined made famous in David Caesar’s Idiot Box. ‘It just came to me,’ says Scott. ‘I figured there was a few of them there, so I had to say dogs instead of dog. I was just lucky to have worked it out so quickly.’
Later in the evening, Scott was given a warning by local police after he urinated in a council rubbish bin and flashed his testicles to punters outside the Enmore Theatre. (The ‘ball-surprise - as its known in the scene - was first performed by Elmore Glennard in Goulburn in the early 1960s. Glennard had spent some years attempting to invent an amusing use for the zippered fly attached to blue jeans, which were growing in popularity at the time. Glennard also went on to invent the ‘ball-explosion,’ a trick he performed only once due to his immediate death).
Andrew Stewart, 19 and unemployed, is also a proud drunken idiot. ‘I was there at Cronulla,’ he says. ‘You know that footage of that fat cop throwing his stick around at at everyone? I was part of that crowd. I wanted to hit him with a brick… but I couldn’t find one.’ Andrew is considered one of the most proficient drunk, angry young men in the Sutherland Shire. ‘I’m the only cunt who’s ever gotten banned from Sutherland Leagues three times in one night!’
Early February saw him perform what he calls his ‘vom-punch-implosion.’ After drinking fourteen neat bourbons at Mortdale RSL, and biting three female patrons, Andrew was forcibly evicted from the premises. ‘Then I tried to punch the bouncer, but he punched me… and I threw up at the exact moment he punched me.’
So do Scott and Andrew see a future for drunken idiots in Australia? Scott is optimistic: ‘As long as there’re beers on tap, there’ll be trouble. An Australia without drunken fuckwits isn’t an Australia worth living in.’ Andrew has his doubts. ‘I reckon once I get a job I’ll stop drinking as much. Anyway, it seems like a bit of a waste to try anything else after the vom-punch-implosion. But if I can’t get a job… I dunno’, I’ll probably just blame the Muslims and try to start some fights with them.’
(Originally published at Rouser).
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