Politics: The Internet Makes You Stupid.

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Politics: The Killing Moon.

Unfortunately for everyone who still harbours murderous desires towards the ideologies of Howard and his compadres, the incendiary passions that were ignited before October 9^th seem to be fizzling out. People – bar Labor members - are forgetting how angry the election result made them, and they’re getting on with their everyday business. Just as John Howard himself seems keen on doing.

At the time of writing, Howard is in Indonesia, shaking hands and smiling his goofy smile in photo opportunities with President-elect Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono. Whilst he’s in the throes international relations in South East Asia, the Labor party continues to predictably crumble.

Lindsay Tanner, Labor’s communication spokesman, is the latest to move from the shadow cabinet to the shadows of the backbench. Tanner is the latest in a series of frontbench deserters who have cited uncertainty with the direction the party is going. Anyone even vaguely familiar with the brutal machinations of the Labor knows there’s no doubt more to the story. Whenever Labor heads roll – and they often do – you can be sure that the axe came down as a result of embarrassing in-fighting.

Labor suffers from these problems after every election loss. It suffers because it is a party perpetually trying to find an equilibrium between its traditional working-class ethos and its aspiration-loving new school. It is also a party trying to find a way to successfully incorporate its union heritage into the demanding global economics of 2005. Unlike the Liberals – who can always rely on strong economic management mixed with a little bit of ‘traditional values’ and xenophobia – Labor is always trying to come to terms with what the party is and what it should become.

The Labor party will still be reeling from its loss in a year. They must now rely on savvy frontbenchers like Kevin Rudd, Stephen Smith and Julia Gillard to remain confident and ride out the ugly times.

Until those ugly times cease, the Labor party may just have to rely on that anonymous graffiti writer delivering on his maniacal promise.

(Originally published in The Brag in the Fear & Loathing column. I've since been informed that the graffiti writer in question is in fact a woman).

Politics: Fat Wallets And Weak Hearts: The Post-Election Malaise.

Well, gosh golly darn it, the Liberals are back. Now, post-election, it seems laughable that most pundits - myself included - were predicting an incredibly tight race. Now we know that Latham and his Labor boys were beaten so brutally that it’ll be a wonder if they can keep from self-imploding over the next three years. This will be an incredibly ugly three years for the Labor party, as they realise they have to rethink things; health, education and the workplace are out, economic management is in.

The party, whether the signs show publicly or not, will be in turmoil. You can only get your collective arse whipped by the Australia people for so long before it starts to really sting. There will clearly be casualties, and there will obviously be horrible in-fighting. Just a couple of days after the election result, bespectacled left-wing stalwart – and Labor’s leader in the Senate since ’96 - John Faulker placed his head on the chopping block, admitting that he was partly responsible for Labor’s loss. The presumption is that he was partly behind the Tasmanian forestry policy which explicitly represented an alliance with the Greens (an alliance that most election analysts are saying may have cost Labor many of their votes). The fact that the man has clearly delivered for the Labor party for eight years has been ignored. After all, as Echo & The Bunnymen sang, heads will roll.

Labor members, and ex-members, will spend the next few weeks randomly placing blame on anything they can. We’ve had excuses from anonymous ex-Labor members, ex-Beazley Chief Of Staff Michael Costello, backbencher Graham Edwards, and many more. Here are some of the reasons they’ve claimed for Labor’s loss: Latham’s leadership (or lack thereof) and inability to gain the confidence of the Australian people, Labor’s lack of economic policy, the predominance of the Union movement in the party dictating policy, the deifying of Gough Whitlam, the perceived mediocrity of Shadow Ministers Kevin Rudd, Martin Ferguson, Kim Beazley, et al. The list goes on. Everyone’s up for having a crack, and if they keep it up Labor will go most of the way to securing another terrible loss in 2007. The party is clearly – and unsurprisingly – lacking the one thing they need right now: confidence.

Lack of confidence isn’t exclusive to Labor members: many Australians are feeling its wretched effects. For the 4.6 out of 10 Australians who voted for the Coalition, there are 5.4 who didn’t, and they’d all be well within their rights to shed tears into their pillows every night for the next three years. Australia – as a nation – is going to be severely damaged by Howard’s fourth term, and much of the damage will be irreversible. Much has been made of the Liberals scoring control of the Senate, and with good reason; Howard has effectively been given carte blanche to go buckwild with policy-making. The full sale of Telstra, media and marketplace deregulation, etc. are all go’ers. Howard says he won’t abuse the power, but that’s not hard to pick as a terrible, albeit necessary, lie. Our one hope is that the damage Howard will wreak on our nation will make people vote differently in ’07.

Now, with the election behind us and the results known, Australia faces some tough questions about where we’re going and what kind of country we want to be. Unfortunately, most of the answers seem like they’ll be based around the idea that any lies, half-truths and terrible deceits are acceptable as long as there’s the vague possibility of our wallets getting a bit fatter. We haven’t grasped yet, as a country, that a fat wallet won’t help you if your heart is weak.

(Originally published in The Brag in the Fear & Loathing column).

Politics: Biting The Bullet: The Prediction.

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
– The famous-just-for-this-quote Henry Cate, VII.

By the time this goes to print, the election will have been decided. Either Latham or Howard will have been emblazoned on the cover of the paper, and champagne bottles will have been popped at someone’s party headquarter. If Howard scored a victory, there will already have been tears in the street and angered claims that ‘I’m moving to New Zealand.’ If Latham chalked up a win, there will have been armies of excited youths dancing in the streets, drunk on hope, eager to see if Big Mark will deliver on his promises.

As I write this on a sunny Thursday morning, two days before the big day, the election is clearly too close to call. Not even the big name election pundits have the confidence to come out and openly declare who will come home with the gold come Saturday night. Thankfully, I’m not a big name election pundit, so I’m happy to have a crack at a prediction: I think Howard will have been declared prime minister by the time you read this.

Christ, I hope I’m wrong. I hope that you’re scoffing at me. I hope that I’m laughably off the mark. I hope Howard was beaten red raw by a battalion of voters who’ve had enough. I hope he was belittled at the polls, shown up to be the despicable embarrassment to Australia that he is.

But for whatever reason – perhaps the effectiveness of Howard’s scare tactics or his viscerally effective ad campaign – the chilling ghost of political fear is tapping me on the shoulder, and he’s whispering in my ear that Howard will be with us for a few more years. I’m not the only one who can feel themselves – and Australia – surging towards a terrible malaise.

Things under Latham won’t be that much better. At a recent Press Gallery lunch he promised he wouldn’t rush into things a la Hawke or Whitlam. He’d take things slow. No matter how long it takes him, the fact is he doesn’t have the genuine working-class sensibilities and respect for the average ‘Aussie battler’ to really want to change things. He’ll beat those on welfare until they work. He’ll claim to reward aspiration, but then brutally punish those who are unsuccessful in their bids at economic success. Next to Howard, he’s brilliant, but he’s not going to take Australia where most forward-thinking lovers of equality and genuine decency want it to go.

But I’ve said it many times before: he’s not John Howard. I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle living under the man again. The problem isn’t so much that people voted for Howard – although that is a problem. The real problem is that a vote for Howard represents confidence in the direction Australia is going. If Howard is our prime minister as you read this, it means that a huge proportion of your fellow Australians believe we’re on the right track. It means many of your uncles, aunties, friends, sisters, brothers and lovers thought it wise to elect a man who clearly and explicitly expresses a love for the interests solely of the rich and political. A man who has done nothing to help Australia, bar deliver tax cuts now and then to appease the cash-loving.

The thought is a terrible one. But if I’m wrong, and Howard has been run out of Canberra with the burning crosses of democracy, I’ll be drinking right now. I will be cheers-ing to Howard being beaten brutally with the baseball bats of equality and rightness. I will have a little more faith in my fellow countrymen.

But if I’m right, and that dirty little swine is in office again, what does that say about Australia?

(Originally published in The Brag).