Being in a band is a lot like being in a relationship: you have to take phone calls even if you’re really drunk and just can’t be bothered talking, you spend a lot of time arguing about insignificant things, you have to discuss ‘where things are going’ all the time and if you break up you’ll probably be total dickheads to each other for years to come.
And just like relationships, it’s often hard to tell whether you’re truly compatible with those you’re in a band with. Thank the lord then that the Brag Love Match Band Compatibility Test is here to help. It will tell you, without a doubt, whether you should shag members of your band. Well, not really, but that sounds more exciting.
Oscar McBlack and Mo Mayhem from the Hell City Glamours - fresh from recording the Broken Glass And Beatless HeartscEP, and ready to headline a tour around Australia – took the Test. Were they destined to be together? Should they abandon their heterosexuality and give birth to manbabies together? The answer to both questions– especially the fairly creepy latter one - is ‘no,’ but read on anyway:
Question one: Which band member gets the most action off stage?
Mo: I used to be the biggest slut, but Oscar definitely gets the most female attention now. Why not – he’s a good lookin’ lad.
Oscar: I've never heard anyone complaining.
No compatibility points there. Question two: Describe the average Hell City Glamours groupie.
Mo: I don’t know about groupies. Groupies seem to be, like, ‘servicing the band’ or, like, the band dominating them. With us, it’s all about the mutual satisfaction!
Oscar: I don’t know how I feel about this question. If a girl pays attention to a band member after a gig she gets branded as a groupie, which really isn’t fair. It paints the picture that she is only interested in said person for shallow reasons. Sure, we pick up sometimes after shows but the word ‘groupie’ is a dated term in my eyes. If a girl wants to be with a guy because she became attracted to him while he was playing, she shouldn’t be called a groupie just for that. Most guys become sexually attracted to a woman within a second of seeing her across a crowded room – which one’s worse?
With that kind of political correctness, that’s a Band Love Match! Question three: Why do the Hell City Glamours play music?
Mo: Is there anything else? Love!
Oscar: Because we love it, pure and simple.
So compatible. Question four: Which band should never be compared to the Hell City Glamours?
Mo: Poison, Mötley Crüe, etc. I am sick to death of reading these pseudo-intellectual wankers writing a review or story about us, using four paragraphs to talk about Mötley Crüe, LA in the 1980s and our hair. Why bother sending a CD out to these people? They ain’t gonna’ listen – might as well just send a picture of us that emphasises our hairstyles.
Oscar: Mötley fucking Crüe, for the simple fact that we sound absolutely nothing fucking like them. The comparison is always to do with the way we look, not how we sound – and I don’t see any obvious connections there either. We’ve been called out as being shallow for our look in paragraphs that compare us to Mötley Crüe, which in my eyes is a shallow cop-out of a comparison. Is that irony, or should I read more?
Match points ahoy! Last question: What would the band be doing if they weren’t together?
Mo: Same thing we’re doing now: playing guitars, working stupid fucking 9 to 5s, drinking too much and getting paid less.
Oscar: What? No rock ‘n’ roll. Guess it’s just sex and drugs then…
I think that counts as a match.
With a score of 4/5 on the Brag Love Match Band Compatibility Test, it’s official: Mo Mayhem and Oscar McBlack are meant to be in a band together. They are almost totally in sync and they have an obviously synergistic relationship to rock ‘n’ fuckin’ roll.
(Originally printed in The Brag).
