The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
– The famous-just-for-this-quote Henry Cate, VII.
By the time this goes to print, the election will have been decided. Either Latham or Howard will have been emblazoned on the cover of the paper, and champagne bottles will have been popped at someone’s party headquarter. If Howard scored a victory, there will already have been tears in the street and angered claims that ‘I’m moving to New Zealand.’ If Latham chalked up a win, there will have been armies of excited youths dancing in the streets, drunk on hope, eager to see if Big Mark will deliver on his promises.
As I write this on a sunny Thursday morning, two days before the big day, the election is clearly too close to call. Not even the big name election pundits have the confidence to come out and openly declare who will come home with the gold come Saturday night. Thankfully, I’m not a big name election pundit, so I’m happy to have a crack at a prediction: I think Howard will have been declared prime minister by the time you read this.
Christ, I hope I’m wrong. I hope that you’re scoffing at me. I hope that I’m laughably off the mark. I hope Howard was beaten red raw by a battalion of voters who’ve had enough. I hope he was belittled at the polls, shown up to be the despicable embarrassment to Australia that he is.
But for whatever reason – perhaps the effectiveness of Howard’s scare tactics or his viscerally effective ad campaign – the chilling ghost of political fear is tapping me on the shoulder, and he’s whispering in my ear that Howard will be with us for a few more years. I’m not the only one who can feel themselves – and Australia – surging towards a terrible malaise.
Things under Latham won’t be that much better. At a recent Press Gallery lunch he promised he wouldn’t rush into things a la Hawke or Whitlam. He’d take things slow. No matter how long it takes him, the fact is he doesn’t have the genuine working-class sensibilities and respect for the average ‘Aussie battler’ to really want to change things. He’ll beat those on welfare until they work. He’ll claim to reward aspiration, but then brutally punish those who are unsuccessful in their bids at economic success. Next to Howard, he’s brilliant, but he’s not going to take Australia where most forward-thinking lovers of equality and genuine decency want it to go.
But I’ve said it many times before: he’s not John Howard. I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle living under the man again. The problem isn’t so much that people voted for Howard – although that is a problem. The real problem is that a vote for Howard represents confidence in the direction Australia is going. If Howard is our prime minister as you read this, it means that a huge proportion of your fellow Australians believe we’re on the right track. It means many of your uncles, aunties, friends, sisters, brothers and lovers thought it wise to elect a man who clearly and explicitly expresses a love for the interests solely of the rich and political. A man who has done nothing to help Australia, bar deliver tax cuts now and then to appease the cash-loving.
The thought is a terrible one. But if I’m wrong, and Howard has been run out of Canberra with the burning crosses of democracy, I’ll be drinking right now. I will be cheers-ing to Howard being beaten brutally with the baseball bats of equality and rightness. I will have a little more faith in my fellow countrymen.
But if I’m right, and that dirty little swine is in office again, what does that say about Australia?
(Originally published in The Brag).
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